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life.

There are so many other things that I should be doing right now, yet at the same time, there's nothing else I feel like I'd rather be doing. I miss writing or being able to express my thoughts in a coherent way for once. I've gotten so use to just trying to talk things through or using body languages that I've completely abandoned sitting down and being able to stay still for a little while. I'm in a perpetual state of movement where if I don't say what I want to say immediately, I feel like it'll surpass me entirely.

I would start by saying I'm heartbroken, but that's hardly where it begins. A week and five days ago, my world felt like it crashed. But that doesn't seem to do the feeling justice at all. By saying that my world felt as though it crashed, I mean that for days I watched everything change (for the worse), I struggled to keep my head level, or at least above the water, I screamed to be heard, and watched as she turned away despite it all. I've written about it once. One time. And I've tried to explain it countless other times. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever tried to do.

How do you explain how you feel when the person you've been in love with for years decides that it's not enough? That the complications that set you back carry more weight than the love that you feel. How do you explain that you feel like you've been lied to? How do you try to explain the questions that refuse to stop racing through your head about the mistakes you may have made, or anything you could have done to alter the way things are now? How do you figure out what was real? How do you figure out what would have been good enough? And how do you figure out what to do next?

I've given up. I figured out that I couldn't stand, oscillating between the decision to fight for the person who let me do or to leave. I couldn't leave - I can't. I want to punch her. I want to see her. I want to lay next to her. I want to be able to act normally, like we always do, like nothing was ever wrong. I want to tell her I love her and that there's no one else that even compares. I want to tell her that I wish I was good enough and that things weren't this hard. I want to take back all the things I said to her. I want to shake her. To wake her up and tell her that we're supposed to be together and that this is just stupid. I want to show her things all the things that I know are true in my heart - that we were supposed to win.

I want to stop crying. I want to stop feeling like I need her. I want to stop feeling like I've been wrong for years. I want to stop contemplating whether or not she was it, or if there's someone else.

For once, I just want to be right.

Comments

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x__careless
Feb. 10th, 2009 01:24 pm (UTC)
i love you and miss you a lot. and it was a pleasant surprise to see that you were still on here, lol. but i'm working on your letter, though a hug would be amazing right about now.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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